A Little G in a Big D

After a long and stressful past few days (or as I like to call them, “Welcome to Corporate America, kid!”), I find it fitting that an afternoon thunderstorm brought on one of the prettier sunsets I’ve seen in a while here.

[insert metaphor here ... preferably one that makes newspaper journalists feel better ... c'mon, you can do it!!]

I’m reaching … I know. But just give me (make that us) this one, people. We needs it. We needs it plural.

- gerry -

I’m not the world’s most observant person. Realize that, as a “working” journalist, that’s a difficult admission to make publicly. Still, I feel the need to get that out there as a qualifier for the couple of holes in the following story …

At the office three days ago and on my way out to shoot Fourth of July festivities around downtown Dallas, I suddenly had the urge to fill my mouth with ice-cold, ultra-caffeinated, effervescent urine. That is to say, I decided to buy a Red Bull from the vending machine on our floor.

No dice — the whole row (yes, row!!) was out, save the odd strip that holds about four Frappuccinos … I’m pretty sure the same four have been there since I was hired, by the way.

Flash forward to the following day. As I’m leaving the office, I notice this …

Might be a hard read that small. If you look closely, all the glass on the front of the aforementioned vending machine is smashed. Smashed!! Must be tempered, I guess, ’cause it was all held together still.

I have no idea when that happened, but I do think it was sometime that day. I didn’t notice it the day before, obviously, and I didn’t notice it when I first came into the office that Saturday (remember that observation thing??), but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

I like to think I would have noticed something that severe. I probably could have heard it, too, since these machines aren’t all that far away from my desk. A couple of dozen editors, layout and copy folks sit fairly close, too. No one noticed!?

Anyway, upon closer inspection, it was sort of bowed in. There didn’t really seem to be any center mass of impact, but I don’t doubt for a second it was caused by human hand.

I can totally see it now — perturbed, over the edge journalist suffering from a caffeine crash makes a break for the vending machine, whereupon he/she sees this …

At that point said person totally flips out and punches the machine. I mean, I’ve gotten pretty pissed when my bag of Garden Salsa Sun Chips (TM) gets stuck in the neighboring snack machine (it’s happen to me about six times now) and have given it a good shaking. And I’ve thought about punching it, too, but never had the guts. This person is someone to worship and fear.

I’ll tell you this much – I’ll be eyeballing my coworkers pretty suspiciously the next few days, trying to deduce who our hidden powder keg is ….

It’s always the quiet ones.

- gerry -

So the other day Michelle and I were watching a little boob tube and saw a commercial for the following:

Now at first, like many of you, I was appalled. “That’s it,” I thought, “they’re just getting lazy on us,” whereupon I reflected on the last thing that gave me similar pause …

But then I realized, maybe — just maybe — the food industry was just trying to make the whole eating experience more efficient.

I mean, take the KFC bowls, for example. Sure, I could order my chicken, corn and mashed ‘taters separately, but they’re all going to the same place, right? Why not speed up the process!?

And with the crackers, that’s just increasing the ease with which I can travel with macaroni and cheese. I mean, I certainly wouldn’t want to be operating a motor vehicle while eating a piping-hot bowl of mac n’ cheese (tried it); but I’d gladly cram handfuls of its cracker substitute into my mouth while committing moving violations up and down Central Expy.

So with that in mind, I offer the following suggestions to the food industry — combinations, hybrids, what-have-yous that can only make such an easy life we have … even easier.

Without further adieu … Five Food Items I’d Like to Find at the Store:

5. Pre-toasted, Peanut Butter and Jelly Whole Grain Bread

… I waste a lot of time in the mornings putting the aforementioned items into a neat little package that I can munch on while I sit in traffic. If they can make peanut butter and jelly in one jar, why stop there? And I’m not talking PB&J flavored, either. I want to be able to look at the bread and see everything there. I’m guessing that will be pretty messy, so bonus points for individually wrapping each serving in plastic (yay post-consumption waste!); and throw a paper towel in there, too. I’m sure those of you who prefer white bread can be accommodated.

4. Coffee-flavored bananas

… While we’re on the whole breakfast thing, why not combine two other staples (at least around the McCarthy household)? I mean, I don’t see what the big deal is — coffee is a plant and bananas are a fruit (which is a kind of plant, right??); if we can genetically engineer the freak that is the tangelo, why not keep going? And I was originally going to say coffee-flavored citrus (since I like the odd orange), but let’s face it — that’s disgusting.

3. Sandwich-flavored pretzels

… Hey, it’s lunchtime!! … And for me, nothing hits the spot like a tuna salad sandwich and a few salted pretzels. Thing is, if I’m on the go, chomping down on a tuna salad sandwich can be a bad experience (Gerry — what’s that stuff all over the crotch of your pants??). So, if they can give me mac-n-cheese flavored crackers, you know the sky’s the limit. And think off all the room in there to interpret. Millions of hard-working lunch goers will have their day!! Salad-flavored yogurt; sushi-flavored fortune cookies; hamburger-flavored french fries!! I could go on and on, but I’m feeling light-headed all of the sudden.

2. Mashed dinner

[Ok,ok, now I'm gonna be honest -- for those of you who watched WALL*E, my original idea for this bit was sort of taken away. No matter, problem's still the same]

… After a long day of work, I like a nice, warm meal in front of the TV set. How American of me. But you know, all that looking down at the plate to cut stuff up, push the fork around … well, it gets in the way of TV watching. Before you know it, I’ve missed half the damned program because I’ve been staring down at my plate. So, why not combing dinner into a wonderful, mashed paste of sorts? You know — like I hear the astronauts do. That way you can just scoop away (hell, let’s use our hands!) and not miss a thing. Now, I realize I own a pretty good food processor and can probably do this myself. Well, that might come out gross, plus it’s a huge waste of time. Remember, I’ve a program to watch. If the food industry just took the step of doing this for me — planning out meals, mashing them up and placing into freezer-ready, resplendent packaging — well, my life would be so much easier.

1. Booze Water.

… Vodka on ice is one of my favorite alcoholic drinks; I’m told it actually means “little water” … which got me thinking — only problem with vodka is that I end up drinking too much; then I’m all kinds of thirsty. Why can’t we just cut out the middle man and make sure I remain hydrated while I get tanked? I’m not talking watered down liquor (or beer) either — that’s just nasty. No, if they can figure out how to keep me hydrated while I fill my mouth and head with the warming effervescence of libations (in the same bottle or glass, of course) … hell, I’d buy cases of this stuff!!

**

So anyway, there are a few random ones. The possibilities really are endless. And they should act, like, right away. Consumers are fickle, but if you hook ‘em good and fast, we’ll pass this stuff on for generations.

Cheers,

- gerry -